Times when I feel like I’ve fallen from grace. Times in the madness of the world and disgrace. Times when I think I’m fighting the good fight of faith but realise I’m really missing the point.
I have 3 essays for Snippets of Rest that I’m not ready to post, not just yet.
Times when I just want to be alone. Be cordoned off from the world. Take my phone away. Smash it. Stash it. Throw it somewhere. I don’t care what people say about me. I don’t care if I don’t reply. I want no one to bug me. No one to ask me out. No one to press me for projects. I just don’t wanna talk. Don’t wanna take calls nor reply messages. Don’t wanna be around people. Don’t wanna eat. Don’t wanna sleep. Don’t wanna breathe. Don’t wanna do anything. Maybe I shouldn’t even be living.
I really just wanna be alone. Sometimes.
Times when I fear one of my greatest fears. The fear of deadlines. The fear of tests and exams. The fear of having Mommy to unearth my most hideous secret. The fear of the enemy (why I fear him is another issue altogether). The fear of sleeping too much and skipping class. The fear of being barred for exams.
I really just loathe living in these fears.
Do you know what tears of fear taste like? They taste bitter. If you cry salty tears, good for you. Because mine’s bitter.
Everyday, I wish I could coop myself in my room and never come out. Hide in the safest place possible, under the safest wings ever. The world is scary. The world is tormenting. The world causes people like me to want to hide. The world scares people. The world is cruel. The world wants to wreak people’s lives. The world just isn’t a world we should even be living in. There’s simply too much poverty, too much injustice, too much hate, too much strife, too much hurt, too much confusion, too much bitterness, too much brokeness, too much pain… And so, so much more.
Everyday, I wish I could bury myself in verses after verses of the Bible until they speak to me. So many mysterious I want to uncover; revelations to break bondage.
People tend to say, “Bend and break.”
But Jesus keeps telling me, “Bend, stretch, grow.”
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Now playing: Tenth Avenue North – Times
