Being Personal Part I: I Will Bare It All.

Day 1 of the new school term made me ponder a lot…

It’s time to move on and put things behind me.

Internship has just ended, and another chapter of my life has closed. I’m in Year 3 now. It’s time I moved on from the Union. The kids will do just fine with the others around. And it’s time I stood down from Rovers.

Honestly, I’ve been waiting for this for so, so long. I want to step off the pedestal, let someone else take over, and let me just become the participative one instead. I don’t think I want to vie with others who really want to lead. I know I can’t, so I won’t.

Let’s be truthful here – who enjoys failures?

Having said that, I do feel awfully guilty for missing out on Rovers in the last 2 months. Many a time, I put my priorities like church and work first – but believe me, it’s not easy being financially independent when you’re studying – and because they clash, I choose what I feel is best at the moment in time.

I’m not able to join in tomorrow’s meeting as well because of work, and that really sucks. Part of me doesn’t want to face up to all the treasury admin I have to follow up on – horrible money matters, simply horrible – and part of me just feels like I’ve drifted apart from them so much, it’s pointless going back.

I hate this emotion. It’s a whuzzy frequency. But I can’t help it. And I’ve gotta be real here. It’s not like church when I can just disappear for a month, and go back still standing strong with the CG. Don’t know why I feel like it’s been so long since that Rovering bond overwhelmed me.

Is it just me? Rightly so, I guess. Whatever it is, I’m gonna be real and upfront about what I can commit to, and what I can’t.

It’s like being a little superhero girl, 18 going on 19, having seen and conquered enough of the world.. Now, she wants to venture out there on her own. And although I’m probably not the only one you know who works and studies at the same time, juggling academic studies with 2 part-time jobs and lots of non-academic activities – plus church – is really overwhelming.

I know. I made the decision back then. But I know what I want now. I realise I can’t please everyone at the same time; it’s high time I learnt how to reject offers. And so it’s the season of prioritizing once again. Studies come first, then family, then church, and then work. Anything else? I’ll have to really consider.

I’ve got a whole lot more to say about this – after hearing a sermon on my way to school this morning. One discovery I made? It’s true. Listening to sermons at the start of the day really makes so much of a difference.

Now I’m much more receptive to the things He wants to show and tell me. I’m not concerned about what people of the world say anymore.

What about me claiming that I am righteous and then still indulge in sinful activities like clubbing (hypocricy and whatnot). I have to admit – I’m not anywhere near there yet – but one thing I know is this: I cannot, but Jesus can. I don’t have to try to curb this clubbing addiction. I’m just going to hear more, see more, believe, and then only will I receive more.

I’m no longer afraid of showing the world who I really am. Whether I’ve gone crazy or not, lost it or not, took drugs or not, had a sinister past or not; Ultimately, it’s all glory that goes to Jesus for all the transformation in me – from when you hadn’t known me until right here and right now. Just like how I stand in awe of Coach who never once was shy about disclosing all the sordid things he did, simply because the blood of Jesus has washed him clean over the years.

One day, I’ll be as glorious as Coach too, Amen.

You see, who else but Him who knew no sin can have the only right to judge me?  It’s fascinating. God, who had all might and power to judge (and with the only right to so) chose NOT to condemn me, but all those fellow sinners out there who had NO RIGHT to judge me were frantically taking the queue numbers to find fault with and condemn me.

I used to hate it when I was misunderstood by others because they couldn’t understand why I acted the way I did. I only felt like I didn’t need to report or explain to them so it didn’t matter. But why was I so paranoid about all the worldly judgment looming around! IDK. I feel stupid looking back on it now.

Anyway, time for bed. Long day tomorrow. Jesus is my strength, Amen.

I feel so conscious of His being, it scares me tonight.